Benjamin, Here’s What Your Year Looked Like!

Apparently my 2014 was too boring for Facebook to create my 2014 Year in Review. Or I didn’t really post anything, leaving Facebook nothing to work with. Regardless, I missed out on something horrific and I hate missing out. So I created my own Year in Review.

January

You got a little fatter—not enough to collect navel lint, but enough to feel heavy while rock climbing and for the button in your climbing pants to pop. You were too frugal to buy new pants so you continued climbing with unbuttoned ones. You were thankful your harness kept your pants on.

February

Your friend died of cancer and you don’t need a Year in Review in order to remember her.

At Some Point in Early 2014

You quit using dating websites and apps, all of them, because they wasted your time and the girls ignored you, probably because you popped your pants.

March

You made a cat video. Check that off your bucket list.

All Day Every Day*

You spoke to audiences who may or may not have been forced to listen, and you signed books.

*which means, like, a bunch of times

May

Your older brother, JD, recently said he can’t remember a single thing he did in 2011 and barely remembers what he did in 2014. Just kidding, Lolo, of course he remembers getting engaged to you! We all can’t wait to not remember your wedding next year.

June

You were a candidate for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Man & Woman of the Year campaign and your fundraising team raised over $50,000. Hopefully LLS won’t use your donation on hookers and blow unless researchers think that hookers and blow can improve the quality of life for cancer survivors.

Summer

You spent two amazing weeks in Europe: one week as a solo traveler and the second with your Americans-temporarily-living-in-England adopted family, Mr. and Mrs. Stroopwafel. You stayed awake for essentially 48 consecutive hours, until 4 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time the day after arriving in London, in order to participate in your fantasy football draft. Le’Veon Bell skyrocketed you into the championship which you lost by four points because Russell Wilson scored 38. You can’t even force animosity towards Wilson because he fights childhood cancer.

You ate soooooo many stroopwafels in Amsterdam that you finally caved and bought new rock climbing pants. You later returned to online dating for one whole day—specifically the app JSwipe, which has the motto “Finding someone to take home for Matzo Ball soup is finally as fun as it should be!”. As it turns out, girls ignore you for reasons beyond your pants popping.

September

You predicted, as always, that your beloved Washington Redskins would win the Super Bowl.

September

You made a new Super Bowl prediction.

October

Over three years after you began the project, your second book Secrets of the Cancer-Slaying Super Man published. You hope and believe that Secrets is a great general leisure read; and can be a wonderful resource for families of sick children, schoolchildren learning about overcoming struggles, and oncology nurses and social workers. You will devote yourself in 2015 to reaching this goal.

End of 2014

Your new roommate, CantSleepWontSleep, has prepared a meal in the apartment just twice in two months and has eaten out the rest. This led you to reconsider your frugality, and how wealth is often simply text on a Web page that waxes and wanes for many reasons beyond the amounts you spend and save. So you bought a Starbucks latte.

Happy New Year!

Facebook did not create your 2014 Year in Review but Google+ did. Since Google+ could not differentiate who is in the photos stored on your computer, your Year in Review ends with a lovely girl from Chicago rock climbing at Brooklyn Boulders Chicago. You met her once. You did not take the photo. At least you were there (on a different climbing wall away from the photo). See you next year!