Arlington Update: Coke Zero

My friend, Headquarters, jokes that I had the worst diet in college: Bagel Bites, Pizza Rolls, cupcakes, Goldfish, chips, pretzels, Hot Pockets, frozen pizza, fruit snacks: plastic, cardboard, preservatives, fat, cholesterol, processed, delicious.

That has changed. I contend that I now have the healthiest diet in the country. The most processed food I keep in my apartment is granola bars, followed by Craisins. I used to eat Cheerios, but no longer—plain Shredded Wheat is less processed, with Whole Wheat being the only ingredient.

My only snacks include: dried fruit, raw nuts, and several pounds of fresh fruit each day.

Common meals include: plain oatmeal prepared on the stove, with added Cinnamon and frozen berries. Almond butter and preservative-free jelly on whole wheat. Chicken cooked in olive oil with non-instant long-grain brown rice.

And my staple meal: a salad with at least seven different raw vegetables; two raw seeds; two raw nuts; a vinegar-based dressing without high-fructose corn syrup; and pinto beans, organic egg whites, or organic chicken with curry, coriander, or a different raw herb. It takes at least 20 minutes to prepare and even longer to eat.

If you don’t know already, then I’ll explain the reason why I’m a health food super duper wackjob in the upcoming story, The Two-Time Cancer-Slaying Super Model: Part II. But before you kneel before me, kiss my pinky toe and lick my armpit (or something like that), let me disclose my only two vices: the occasional brewdog, and the frequent Coke Zero.

Two weeks ago I drank a Double Big Gulp of Coke Zero—a solid half-gallon—two days in a row. My friend, Mattkind, told me about Coke Freestyle—a Redbox-like Coke kiosk that may be sexier than the giant blue chick from Avatar.

I share Coke Zero’s awesomeness with so many friends, colleagues and readers that I should be a paid consultant—or at least receive free Coke Zeros. I love their taste and lack of calories. But truth be told, I believe they are unhealthy and wonder if they are cancer-causing. I have tried to stop drinking them—for instance, I refuse to store them in my apartment. But they are plentiful at my parents’ house, at work, and now at restaurants, and I may soon quit trying to give them up.

I had the willpower to eat 1,500 calories a day for 1.5 years, but I can’t refrain from the acid.

I hope my general healthy lifestyle more than counteracts the soda. Even more so, I hope I don’t start dipping my Shredded Wheat biscuits in Coke Zero or use it as salad dressing. When I begin excreting brown liquid from any orifice then I’ll consider it a problem.