Road Trippin': A Picture Story
"If it's possible for a car not to have an amenity, then mine doesn't," I said to my lone compadre, T2theZ. I had to see Dr. Andre Million in Minneapolis for my five-year transplant anniversary. There's no better way to do it than travel the country and see baseball games, even if your car doesn't have power windows, cruise control or even mirrors on the visors.
We kicked off our trip with an appetizer, a quick hop on the Metro to the brand-new Nationals Park. I won't say it's as nice as Camden Yards, but it gets damn close.
The high-definition scoreboard is over 100 feet long.
If you think that's a good mowing job then you should check out my lawn.
Poor Teddy Roosevelt never wins the presidents race.
Nice view of the Capitol.
It's sad that nobody shows up. If only the Nationals were better, or if the whole roster was a bunch of Ryan Zimmermans.
Whoever said Pittsburgh was a dirty city?
This isn't even half the bridges.
Ah, the big ketchup bottle.
I fucking hate snakes.
Again, stadiums don't get much nicer than this.
Again, stadiums don't get much emptier than this.
You call that a mascot?
Instead of the presidents race, the Pirates have a pierogies race.
I called three teams' public affairs departments and told them about our five-year cancer-free road trip. "So, how about free tickets?" Only the good people at the Pittsburgh Pirates hooked us up, with great seats, too. Big Prince Fielder takes up a lot of horizontal space.
After an hour of sleep, I started driving to Minneapolis at 3:00 AM. The NOS I drank helped. It's liquid crack.
Too bad the new Minnesota Twins stadium isn't built, yet. T2theZ and I will have to come back in a few years. The Metrodome is a dump compared to the marvels in D.C. and Pittsburgh. Check out the monstrous scoreboard. My friend who works for the Twins really hooked us up with great seats.
I sure love Minneapolis.
What the shit are these?
Mall of America is the largest retail complex in the U.S. And it has an indoor amusement park with roller coasters.
The dinosaurs are built out of Legos. I doubt they took very long to build.
Mario Lopez was having a book signing for Knockout Fitness. T2theZ wanted Mario to sign his bare chest (or cock), but he would've had to buy the book first. T2theZ is still disappointed he didn't purchase it. I wanted to yell, "Where's Zack Morris?" but chickened out. A.C. Slater is so dreamy.
Chicago: What a fucking skyline, and city.
The temperature was in the 40s for the White Sox game. T2theZ got his usual beer and a dog. I bought a hot chocolate. I win.
In the bottom of the 9th with one out, two men on base and losing 3-1, Jim Thome and Joe Crede of the Sox each struck out swinging. That didn't stop them from shooting fireworks.
The most important part of our entire trip was eating Chicago pizza. We went to Giordano's after the game. It was heaven in a greasy, heart-clogging pie. I am salivating as I type this. I was so disappointed that I could only finish one piece. I expect to mail order a pizza sometime this summer.
Nice view from the Sears Tower - the tallest building in the U.S.
What the bloody hell is this?
Our only sellout was in Cleveland.
Sgt. Slaughter was signing autographs after the game. Without proof, I wouldn't believe it myself.
Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio: the best amusement park in the world. I couldn't believe there wasn't a ride dedicated to Tommy Boy's Callahan Auto. Magnum XL-200 is the fourth tallest coaster in the park.
Maverick has a 95-degree drop (steeper than straight down) and "goes upside down 8 different ways," whatever that means.
The girl in front of us was so scared that she left the line after waiting 1.5 hours to ride Millennium Force. I wasn't too far behind. When we began the 310-foot ascent I nearly pooped myself.
op Thrill Dragster debuted in 2003 as the tallest and fastest coaster in the world - 420 feet tall, 120 mph. It was the funnest 17 seconds of my life.
Even funner than if I had relations with Kelly Kapowski, which would last far shorter than 17 seconds.
No road trip would be official without a stop at McDonald's. We happened to stop at the Big Mac Museum Restaurant in Huntingdon, Pennsylvania. With plasma screens, hot cashier girls, the largest Big Mac in the world and a double drive-thru, it was the nicest McDonald's I've been to.
The perils of a 2,000-mile road trip.
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