Ben vs. Wild

Last week I saw the movie Into the Wild, which is about a guy (Emile Hirsch) who dips out after college and travels the country with the goal of reaching Alaska and living alone in the wilderness. Along the way, he documents his journey in his diary. Not only did I think it was a very good movie, it also inspired me to go on a similar adventure surviving in the wild and writing. I think it would be fun, exciting, and above all, postpone me getting a job.

There are only two problems with my idea. First, I hate insects, bees, snakes, spiders, and most other outdoor critters. For example, last month I reached into my pocket and felt something funny. I pulled it out and it was an enormous beetle. I flipped out, screaming and stripping off almost all my clothes just to make sure there were no more bugs. I clobbered the little bastard with my big shoe for payback.

Second, I know almost nothing about surviving in the wild. My limited knowledge comes from two Discovery Channel shows, Survivorman and Man vs. Wild. I now know that I can drink my own urine and take a bite out of a live fish, but I don't think those will help me much.

And besides, research shows that bears are more aggressive toward cancer survivors and people who actually liked the movie Catwoman. I'd be fucked.