The Rabbit Protector
Earlier this summer I spotted a cottontail rabbit nibbling in my front yard. Over the next couple weeks, my parents and I saw him scurrying about, and even found that he lived in a bush next to our house. The prime conversation at home revolved around our new rabbit friend: has anyone seen him today, was he eating, did he run away?
I haven’t had a pet since I was five, so at first I wanted to cage him up and domesticate him. But, I didn’t think he’d like that. I’m sure he enjoys living each day in survival mode – scrounging for food, making his own shelter, trying not to be eaten, and desperately searching for some rabbit poonany.
My dad and I did the next best thing to caging him up – make his life easier by leaving food in his bush. I had no idea what rabbits eat, so I asked my dad. Just so you know my dad grew up in Brooklyn, where the closest thing to a wild animal is a non-kosher hot dog.
“Rabbits eat carrots,” he said. “That’s his favorite food.”
“How do you know? You only say that because Bugs Bunny eats carrots.”
“No, I’m telling you he eats carrots any chance he gets.”
“I doubt he’s ever seen a carrot in his entire life. You think he just roams through the woods and finds random carrots on the ground?”
We left one bright orange carrot next to his bush and waited, but he didn’t show up. After I went inside I checked my window every ten minutes, but still he didn’t show up. “I told you he doesn’t eat carrots,” I told my dad.
But, the next day the carrot was gone and we assumed he ate it. We continued leaving him more carrots and celery sticks. He continued to eat them. Days later, while eating lunch, my mom looked out the window and saw him squaring off with a squirrel. The rat-with-a-bushy-tail was about to pounce on my rabbit friend, so I immediately stopped eating and rushed outside ready to beat some squirrel ass. “Get out of here rodentfucker!” I screamed once I got in site.
I am The Rabbit Protector. Mess with him and pay the consequences.
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Postscript: I didn’t actually call the squirrel a rodentfucker, although I wish I had.