Cough in My Face, Pencil in Your Eye
After my transplant, I developed an intense aversion to germs. I held my breath anytime somebody around me coughed, sneezed, burped, grunted, spoke, or exhaled. When I couldn’t hold any longer I would bury my face in my shirt, take a deep breath, and hold it again. It became instinctive. In fact, I’ve noticed that I’ll hold my breath after I hear somebody cough on TV. When I realize I’m the only person in the room, I breathe, and then punch myself in the face for being a moron.
Last year for spring break I went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, with some friends. My final class before break was Spanish 202, which I regrettably attended. I should have been practicing my pickup lines, but that’s another story. I showed up right on time and sat next to my friend.
“I really don’t want to be here,” I said to him.
“Me neither, but if I miss any more classes I get docked points,” he replied.
I hadn’t missed a single class yet, and considered leaving.
I’m already here – what’s the worst that could happen?
Another guy in our class, Dipshit, was sitting one row back when the teacher made him move next to me. She had a stupid rule that we had to fill all the seats in the front. Besides the fact that he was invading my space, I didn’t mind.
Then he coughed, so I held my breath. Dipshit coughed several more times before I even finished my first held breath. He didn’t even try to cover his mouth. If I wasn’t so damn lazy I would’ve moved to the other side of the room. But instead, I spent the entire 75 minutes next to Dipshit on the verge of fainting because he WOULDN’T STOP COUGHING.
When class was over I bolted home, changed my clothes and showered with anti-Dipshit soap.
My immune system is normal. I’m not worried.
On the day we left for Mexico, I had a mildly sore throat, which turned into all-out sickness and lasted nearly a month. Dipshit gave me one of the worst colds I’ve ever had.
In Mexico, I shared a room with three others and a bed with my friend PepperoniNip. I didn’t want to get them sick and did my best to contain my Dipshit germs. Unfortunately, PepperoniNip developed a steady cough during our trip. I felt bad for getting him sick, so I tried to conceal my breath holds, which was hard since we shared the same 4x6 foot space. He quickly realized what I was doing and understandably became angry.
“What the fuck are you doing? You’re the one who got me sick!”
“I know, I’m sorry man. But I can’t help it, I have to hold my breath.”
“What do you think, that I’m going to get you sick with your own germs?”
“It’s habit. I think I have OCD or something.”
“You know I hate you, right?”
One year later I was in my economics class minding my business, when Dipshit #2 sat next to me and started coughing. He had one of those deep, particle-releasing coughs that spray germs everywhere. In this case, the classroom was full and I was stuck there. At first, I did my usual cycle of holding my breath and breathing through my shirt. But Dipshit #2 WOULDN’T STOP COUGHING.
Over the next several minutes, anger crept into my brain until it was filled with the fury of a thousand Jews who were told “No latkes for a year.” I lost all body control and the anger took over.
I looked down at the mechanical pencil in my hand. The anger pushed my thumb down on the eraser three times, leaving a short piece of lead poking through the top. My bicep contracted until the pencil was near my head. My hand turned to the left until it was pointing at Dipshit #2. Then I saw the future and what was about to happen – my Bic mechanical pencil was about to stab Dipshit #2 in the fucking eyeball.
I immediately let go and the pencil fell to the ground. I put my hands in my pockets and left them there for the rest of the class…
Except when I had to pull my shirt over my face because Dipshit #2 WOULDN’T STOP COUGHING.